By Terrance Gavan
“I have apologized for my actions and now… I am apologizing for apologizing for my actions,” says Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, who adds that he is taking quite a bit of flak from quite a few Canadians who are just, quite frankly, sick and tired of hearing the PM whinge and whimper about a regrettable but understandable brou-ha-ha on the floor of the House of Commons, which took place about 95 apologies ago.
“I am now being told that I must cease and desist immediately from expressing remorse about the incident and I get it,” says the right honourable.
“The people of Canada do not want to hear apologies from their leader, they want to hear equivocation, lies, stilted half-truths and sarcastic redirects. It’s what people got from our last prime minister Stephen Harper and hey, who am I to argue. The guy was a beloved figure in Canadian politics.
“Harper never apologized for a thing and we all know how that turned out. He was respected and he was loved and he was always a man, except for, you know, when he ran like a little girl into a closet, when confronted by a gunman on Parliament Hill. Thus, I must rip a page from Stephen Harper’s playbook and become that man, that unapologetic, blithe sardonic figurehead who aligned himself with leaders like Nixon, Reagan, Mulroney and I’d like to say Mussolini and Hitler, but I am afraid that I might end up having to issue another regrettable apology, so you know, let’s just leave it at Nixon and Mulroney, two guys who really taught the world that apologies are for suckers.”
Trudeau’s about face comes after at least 342 apologies for elbowing an NDP member on the floor of the House.
His apologies have been met with sharp complaints from his many fans, who want him to channel his dad.
“Pierre Elliot Trudeau once told the House of Commons to fuddle-duddle back in the day, and he never apologized for that,” says Justin Trudeau privy council advisor, Mackinaw H. Abernathy. “All this mealy-mouthing is sending the wrong message. The country needs a leader who is strong, forthright and unapologetic. Stephen Harper ripped this country a new one and he just took off without a please, thank you or whoop-dee-doo. So as far as I’m concerned we owe the NDP nothing. We owe Canada nothing. Except for maybe a bit of the ol’ fuddle duddle.
“And by the way? This NDP member who was so traumatized by this so-called malicious ‘shove’ should know that I got pushed harder in the 1-8 item line at Longo’s grocery store on long weekend Friday. Bruises, I say, real bruises.”
Prime Minister Trudeau wants to make it clear that he’s done with apologizing.
“I’m sorry,” says Trudeau, “for saying sorry and I apologize for all that remorse. I also regret terribly not throwing a punch at that bastard Mulcair. Sorry Tom, next time maybe, I’ll pop you in that ugly kisser.”